The spy who fed me shrooms
By Jim Poling Sr.
Published Feb. 15, 2018
The tiniest things lead to the most important discoveries.
With nothing else to do I was thumbing through news photos on the Internet. Boring stuff. Trudeau dabbing his eyes with a Kleenex. Trump in a tied-too-long red tie. Trump in a tied-too-long blue tie.
Then onto the computer screen jumps Vlad Putin, bare chested, taking in the sun in a remote part of Siberia during his vacation last summer. It was one in a portfolio of photos dumped onto the Internet by Russian state photographers.
Vlad fishing in a stream bare-chested. Vlad scuba diving, Vlad, bare-chested again, horseback riding.
They were part of a public relations effort to show Vlad as the world’s muscular, most powerful leader. The superman who has outboxed and outfoxed Humpity Trumpity of the U.S.
Almost unnoticed in that montage of PR offerings is Vlad, wearing a shirt this time, sitting in dense forest examining and discussing mushrooms with Sergei Shoigu, Russia’s defence minister.
Eh? The Russian president and his defence minister sitting in a Siberian forest discussing mushrooms?
As Sherlock Holmes would say: “Exactly, my dear Watson!”
Yes, the humble mushroom is master spy Putin’s secret weapon for achieving world domination. Not just any mushroom, but those known in the dark side of mushroom gathering as shrooms – psychedelic magic mushrooms.
Russians are mushroom crazy, and love those fleshy fruits of the soil almost as much as they love vodka. They consume two million tons of wild mushrooms each year, most of which are collected in the forests by individual consumers. Mushroom picking is a national sport.
Leo Tolstoy, author of War and Peace and Anna Karenina, wrote stories about mushroom picking. Composer Peter Tchaikovsky scribbled melodies during mushroom picking expeditions.
Shrooms contain hallucinogens that cause mental disturbances similar to those created by LSD. The Russians over the years are known to have used shrooms to trick people into believing and doing crazy things.
Siberian shamans consumed shrooms to achieve spiritual journeys and sometimes gave dried, powdered shrooms as gifts at Christmas. That is how the Santa Claus legend was born.
When the Siberian snows were too deep to go door-to-door, the shamans fed magic mushrooms to reindeer and flew from rooftop-to-rooftop, delivering presents of shrooms through the chimneys.
Don’t believe that? Well, consider this: one of the most popular magic mushrooms in Siberia has a bright red cap with white dots, the same colour combination as Santa Claus’s winter suit.
So, although he ain’t Santa, Vlad is secretly delivering magic mushrooms around the world. We don’t know how he is doing it but he is getting shrooms into the bloodstreams of world leaders.
Britain’s Theresa May is doing peculiar things and some days looks like she is about to snap. Normally aggressive Angela Merkel is a quiet mere shadow of herself. Justin Trudeau is speaking oddly, lecturing people to say personhood instead of manhood.
More evidence that world leaders are going strange came when Barack Obama appeared on a Jerry Seinfeld show and said a “pretty sizable percentage” of world leaders are crazy.
Last summer an Australian study reported that magic mushrooms cause people to lose their sense of self.
“People who go through psychedelic experiences no longer take it for granted that the way they’ve been viewing things is the only way,” said one of the report’s authors.
Psychedelics create “ego dissolution” which could result in re-engineering “the mechanisms of self, which in turn could change people’s outlook or worldview.” And, “ego dissolution offers vivid experiential proof not only that can things can be different, but that there is an opportunity to seek change.”
That’s exactly what Vlad is working on – re-engineering the minds of world leaders until they dance for him like puppets.
Obviously he hasn’t managed to get shrooms into Trump’s Diet Coke yet because that ego remains as large as the Rocky Mountains. However, he no doubt is working hard on it.
I also suspect that Vlad is trying to get shrooms not just into world leaders’ food and drink but into the general population’s as well.
Now that I think about it, my coffee did taste a bit different this morning.