Making the cottage great again
It has been an unbelievable summer of stunning successes for me in cottage country. The best and greatest ever. No one ever has done, or will do, better.
At winter’s end Shaman’s Rock, my lake domain, was a mess. So very, very bad. Tremendous problems and I had to do what I do best to make it great again. I knew that only I had the genius to get it done.
First there was the disgraceful immigration problem that no one had done anything about. Squirrels, chipmunks and raccoons crossing our border illegally; streaming in by the thousands to rape our bird feeders, steal food, chew anything they could get their teeth into and punch holes everywhere in the landscape. Constantly chattering in their foreign language.
My zero-tolerance policy of trapping them and separating them from their children, who would be the next generation of dastardly criminals, worked magnificently. Lots of bawling, but they got the message.
It proves the truth of the old adage: “Give a chipmunk a peanut and he has food for a day. Trap the little creep and you’ll never have to feed him again.”
Despite my success, I’m still planning to build a wall across the property. China has had its Great Wall for thousands of years and doesn’t have any red squirrels or chipmunks.
I’ll make the neighbours pay for the wall. After all it is their rodents that are crossing over illegally and causing me so much grief.
Meanwhile, my summit with Kim Ra Coon, supremo leader of the raccoon nation, was an outstanding success. Kim and I agreed to stop growling at each other, be less hostile and be friends. He promised never to attack my corn patch, so that threat is completely eliminated.
My most difficult challenge was to browbeat cottage visitors and friends. None of them was making promised contribution to our Hydro Electric Love Pot, which collects money to defend against the Hydro One bandits and their Ontario government handlers.
I scolded them for their chintziness and told them that they must start forking over their fair share. When I was done, they agreed to pay the Love Pot four per cent of their GAI (Gross Annual Income).
The media later reported they said they did not agree to that. More fake news. It never ends.
Then there was the beer fridge mess. Unbelievable! No matter how often I filled it with my favourites it would be empty when I wanted a cool one.
I went head on at that nefarious band of beer thieves. I told them that if they didn’t stop they would be met at the beer fridge door with fire and fury like the world has never seen.
I am the world’s best deal maker so I set up a summit with Little Beer Belly Man, the leader of that gang. He is actually a nice guy and the beer fridge now is full all the time. Never have to worry again.
There are still some people at the cottage yammering about global warming. They talk about how the winter was completely whacko with up and down temperatures. Now they are on about the heat and lack of rain and blaming it all on climate change.
It’s all nonsense, I tell them. Everyone knows that climate change is a plot by the Chinese to sell more beach toys and pump up our balance of trade in their favour.
So everyone is settled and happy again at the cottage. There are no disagreements. Everyone loves me and what I’ve been doing to make Shaman’s Rock great again.
Thank Me that I fixed all the problems. No one else even thought of trying to achieve all this. My poll numbers are fantastic and all the folks who love me are talking about making me president of Shaman’s Rock for life.
More fantastic things to come. You’ll just have to wait and see.
One thing I am working on is inviting the Miss America pageant to Shaman’s Rock next summer. One condition on the invitation is that they reinstate the swimsuit competition.
The organizers say this can happen, if I promise to wear snowmobile mitts around the contestants.